Snowmageddon: Rush Limbaugh Teaches Surviving the Northeast Blizzard
The Dean of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies has a lesson plan for surviving the storm some are calling Snowmageddon “the worst snowstorm ever…(brought about by) global warming.”
El Rushbo begins his lesson by referencing “a snow storm once in the 1800s….in the Sierra Nevada Mountain range in northern California near Lake Tahoe….and the place is named for this. DonnerPass.… (where) there was a real bad snowstorm … so bad the Donner Party resorted to cannibalism …to survive. They ate their dead.” He firmly establishes his “cred” for survival in not one but at least two similar blizzards by sharing his experiences of living in the northeast. He admits, though, he “left during one.” (Would you expect anything less from America’s Truth Detector?) But the other in which snowfall was 25 inches, he lived through it and is here to share his knowledge.
“I've done it. I have done it. I've done this. One of them I did leave, there's no question, but I stayed through the other one. I have cred. I know how to tell you to survive and stay alive during this snowstorm.”
The lesson includes a directive to make an obligatory trip to the store to buy up all the batteries, bottled water and macaroni and cheese possible. Then stop by the ATM to withdraw all the money that might be in your bank account because it might six or seven years before the banks can open again. If you must venture outside, bundle up in layers and “cover the top of your head...(because most loss of body heat comes) from the top of your head, primarily the holes… (that you may not know about) near the top of your head. And for those who have really open minds, it’s especially dangerous.”
“Do not shovel snow. It doesn't matter if people can't get to your house because the sidewalk is clogged because if you shovel snow you'll probably have a heart attack. …first responders have to risk their lives…”
And he warns that if confusion sets in, use batteries to power a television. Tune it to the local stations that will have reporters outside doing everything they’ve told you not to do.
“They're willing to put themselves at risk standing outside. …driving to wherever it is they're gonna end up standing. …at risk standing out there hour after hour after hour in the blizzard so that they can show you what it's like without you having to go out in it. That's commitment. Local TV news reporters never, ever get enough credit for the great contributions they make during all storms, hurricanes, rain, wind, they're there, wherever, they always show up and they put their lives on the line so that you don't have to.”
The Commander in Chief of the Ditto Head Nation earnestly ticks point by point through his Snowmageddon survival lesson. He entertains a point from the classroom. Carol inZeeland,Michigan. “Never, ever eat yellow snow,” she cautions. Rush rejoins her admonition and makes a point concerning making certain windows are open to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning, the pitfalls of driving, particularly in the wind and not remembering to tell a friend where you’re going and what route you’re taking if you find you must venture outside.
Yes, the Excellence in Broadcasting Network stands by the ready broadcasting from sunny south Florida to meet and surpass all audience expectations everyday; particularly this day to ensure everyone in the path of a snow storm like no other in history has vital survival information. Snowmageddon, the storm that strikes wonderment at how did the pioneers survive in this kind of weather?. All Seeing, All Knowing, All Compassionate Maha Rushee has the cold, hard truth:
“…do what the Donner party did. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. That’s what the …lesson is! They ate each other!”