McDonald’s Cosmic Failure In Texas

You ever hear about a McDonald's experiment called CosMc's? Me neither. In fact, I only learned about these glorified alien snack shacks because, surprise, they’re already closing three of the seven locations they launched just last year. That’s right—half of their so-called innovative café spinoff is getting the axe before most of us even knew they existed. Bravo, McDonald's. Truly groundbreaking stuff here.

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The Concept No One Asked For

CosMc's, in case you’ve been blissfully unaware (like the rest of humanity), is McDonald’s attempt to… what, exactly? Rebrand as a hipster café but with a spaceman mascot from 1989? Imagine a menu of Turmeric Spiced Lattes, Churro Frappes, and Sour Cherry Energy Bursts. Throw in snacks like Pretzel Bites and something called McPops, and you’ve got a bizarre mix of Starbucks vibes and carnival food. Oh, and let’s not forget their “Galactic Boosts,” because nothing says “cosmic innovation” like slapping a new name on sugary drinks.

It’s the fast-food equivalent of your middle-aged uncle showing up to a family BBQ in skinny jeans and a graphic tee that says “I’m not old, I’m vintage.”

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Let’s Talk Logistics

Apparently, some of these CosMc's locations were built from scratch, while others were Frankenstein-ed out of larger McDonald’s restaurants. The company now admits that the smaller locations work better for their “drive-thru and digital experience.” Translation: nobody wanted to sit down and sip their S’mores Cold Brew in a half-empty, repurposed McDonald’s dining room. Shockingly, people just went to, you know, an actual café.

McDonald’s says this whole endeavor has been a “learning experience.” Sure. Like how I learned not to order fish fillets from gas stations.

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Bold Moves or Desperate Flailing?

Here’s where it gets really good. McDonald’s is closing three of these underwhelming space cafés, but they’re replacing them with two new, smaller locations in Texas. Because nothing screams “success” like scaling back and pretending it’s all part of the master plan.

For those of you keeping score, that’s a net loss of one whole CosMc’s. They’re basically shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic and telling us it’s a strategic pivot.

Final Thoughts

Look, I’m no business guru, but if half your stores close within a year, maybe it’s time to rethink the whole concept instead of doubling down. Or maybe, and hear me out, just stick to flipping burgers and serving fries. Nobody needs a Spicy Queso Sandwich from the same place that brought us the McRib.

CosMc’s was supposed to be McDonald’s “unique personality.” Turns out, that personality is just a little too quirky for its own good. Rest in peace, CosMc’s—most of us didn’t even know you lived before you died.